Drama Revisited: I Need To Forget You Now So I Can Remember You With Love

I wrote this (the article below) exactly a year ago and I was actually surprised when I saw this in my old flash drive a few weeks ago. The girl who wrote the piece below is already gone. And the funny thing is, so many people are asking me now how to move on, what should they do and so on. Hey, just because I had my heart broken doesn't mean I'm an expert. I guess my takeaway from people asking me such questions is that I look great now - as if I never carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.

And the only thing I tell people who wants answers is that, as cliche as it may sound, time indeed heals all wounds. And guess what the next question is. How long would it take them to move on? There's no definite time or a standard as to how long a person gets over someone. It may be a week for someone, a year for another one, or a decade for some (Jusme, thank you it didn't take me a decade!).

And my afterthought (a year later) from this article is no, you don't remember that person with any kind of love at all. Yes, you may remember all the happy times together but there wouldn't be any trace of love anymore. No friendly kind of love and definitely no romantic love. And since the love is already gone, there's also no more pain. It's like you're finally free. That's when you know you have already moved on.

Photo credit: favim.com

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January 26, 2014

I thought the crying fest was already over. How wrong was I. I was only given a reprieve from all those sleepless nights and endless sobbing. The universe probably thought I needed a break. I actually felt strong and I was relieved that I am finally moving on. Turns out it was just a momentary lapse. I was pitched right into the gates of hell once again. The pain is unbearable. I’m wishing it to stop. I want it to stop. But it doesn’t.

Seeing you again and hoping that we could be friends was the end of me. I thought I was strong enough that I could handle you. I thought I could control my emotions around you. Still, after so many months, I still love you with every fiber of my being. I love you and I’m willing to forgive you for all the hurt you have caused me. But the thing is, even if I love you with all of me, I no longer have you. You’re far gone already and there’s nothing I can do to make you come back to me.

All the months that I worked hard to fix myself went out the window. Just an hour with you could do that to me. I feel like my heart could explode with my love for you. And when it explodes, all the fragments will be scattered on the floor, unwanted. And there’s just this hollow ache in my chest.

It feels like the love and the happy memories we had just ended yesterday. The pain is as fresh as the first day I found out you no longer love me. And yet, it’s been months already. People no longer understand why I still feel this way. I myself no longer understand why I’m still like this. And I’m starting to get worried. I don’t want the years to pass by with me still loving you and you not loving me back. Sometimes, I just want to forget. I need to forget.

And in order to forget I must pick up the bricks one by one and lay it one on top of other, side by side, until I can no longer see our history. I cannot see you or anything that reminds me of you. I need to build this wall to protect my present from my past. In order to move forward, I need to set my sights on the horizon, with what is yet to come. 

I just hope that one day, I will be ready to look beyond the wall and remember. To be able to remember with love (no longer the romantic love), without that lancing pain and without breaking down will be the greatest gift of the universe.

The Hope of A New Year

People are probably tired of hearing the same old shit, "new year, new me" and the like. I know it sometimes get on our nerves but some people need the new year to believe in themselves more, to give them hope. I know, I know, you can change for the better anytime but the new year is symbolic for lots of people. It is officially the start of a new year and some people feel like they have a clean slate for the year. So let's give those people a break, including me, and let's all be joyful as we welcome 2015.

So this year, I'm not gonna write about my new year's resolutions nor am I gonna post a list of quotes. I'll just keep this post brief.

Year In Review:

• I was an ugly mess throughout 2014. But the thing is, wounds heal and people heal. I never thought that my heart would be on the mend but yes, it got better in time. 
• A handful of people saw me at my worst, and yet, here they are, still beside me. I will be forever grateful to the people who stood by me and never judged me. They understood that I had to do what I had to do.
• Quitting my job at that point in time and starting my MBA was probably the best decision I made despite the separation anxiety I had from being a workaholic and the tremendous adjustment of studying again.
• I also met a lot of new friends this year. I met my MBA friends, my Antiteasis friends, and rekindled my friendship with a few others.
• My relationship with my family is back to normal with all the arguments and discussions. Of course, I'm once again present in all outings and gatherings and all the family chaos.
• I lost the best mother in the world. I surely miss my lola but I'm sure she's smiling in heaven. 
• And the most important realization for me still comes down to love. It's a surprise that I can still love. I thought that I turned into someone very cold and hard. But despite my walls and my list of rules, I'm still capable of loving people.

So whatever comes my way this 2015, I know I can survive it. I've been through the worst, so whatever the universe throws at me, I know the universe believes I can handle. But hey, this is not a challenge, please be a little gentle with me this coming year. And yes, I'm also hopeful this coming year. I know that greater things are bound to happen. Cheers! :)

My Lola Anecdote #2: Cough Medicine

As my body is racked with continuous coughing, I suddenly remembered Lola Tita. The last time I was coughing like a maniac, I was still living in her house. She recommended that I try a cough medicine that she got from Tita Ayet. I remember snapping at her since the medicine did not take effect right away. Yes, I'm not proud of doing that but I was in so uncomfortable and having a hard time already.

But I also remember that after hurting my lola's feelings, I would always cuddle her and tell her that I was sorry and I love her. I am glad that I was able to tell her those precious words time and again before she left us.

Lola, I miss you. Sometimes I still go through the motions of living without thinking that you are now gone since there's still a part of me that refuses to believe it.

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Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day. 

Unseen, unheard, but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear. 

- Unknown

Goodbye Employment, Hello Grad School!

Today is my first day without a job. I spent the last four years working for Wacoal and honestly, it's quite a relief that I finally resigned. So many things have changed in my life for the past year and I feel like I need to let go of my job (the last constant thing in my life) in order to fly. They say that in order to grow, you need to leave your comfort zone. Right now, I am so far from my comfort zone and I do hope that the new experiences I will embark on will help me grow as a person. I am terrified of the future. I don't know if I'm actually doing the right thing. I so want to have that change, I want a life makeover, and yet, I am so scared of the change and of the thought that I might dive into this whole new world and nothing will change.

Let's call drama to a halt. Here's a list of things I will miss and not miss about working.

I will not miss the train especially the MRT. Yes, it belongs on top of the list!
I will not miss running along Ayala just to make it on time.
I will not miss spending a small fortune paying cab drivers.
I will not miss waking up super early in the morning.
I will not miss the super stress factors and the work that I have to bring home especially on sale months.

I will miss considering my walk from the office to the Ayala MRT in the evenings as my exercise for the day.
I will miss impromptu Giligan's nights with my colleagues.
I will miss my crazy friends. You know who you are.
I will miss the camaraderie I had with the other staff and Beauty Advisers.
I will miss the bosses who rarely raise their voice.
I will miss planning for a brand.
I will miss being in a whirl when preparing for the monthly meetings.
I will miss being surrounded by good people.
I will miss travelling with my officemates. Hey, let's still do this even if I'm no longer with you guys.
I will miss having so many 'papables' in the office. Hahahaha.
I will miss the photoshoots.
I will miss being interviewed for TV segments. Hahaha.
I will miss earning money.

And yes, even with the slight fear, I am excited.

I am excited to start my MBA.
I am excited to learn new things.
I am excited to study and prepare for exams. Yes, I missed these!
I am excited to meet new people.
I am excited to start my new adventure!

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We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.

– Joseph Campbell

Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.

– Meister Eckhart

Don’t worry about being worried. You’re heading out on an adventure and you can always change your mind along the way and try something else. 

- Tracy Kidder

Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. 

-Gilda Radner

My Lola Anecdote #1: Grocery Shopping

I've been having trouble coping up with Lola Tita's passing away. I mean, I think I've been ignoring the fact that she's already gone for more than three months already. I just go about my daily tasks as if she's still in her house watching her nightly telenovelas. And whenever I visit the house, I feel like she's just strolling the halls of Trinoma and SM North. Yup, I'm in deep trouble here.

And since I couldn't write anything at all for the past few months, I figured this might be the one causing my writer's block. I need to face this and start accepting facts.

So a couple of days ago, I went grocery shopping in Landmark Trinoma. Alone. After a very very long time. As soon as I entered the store, I felt a bit nauseous and teary eyed. I missed my lola. A lot. I suddenly remembered all the times I used to shop there.

Once a month or whenever the whim strikes me, I would go grocery shopping after office. I would always call my lola and ask if there's anything she needs. I usually include her chocolate-flavored Ensure in my list so that she does not have to worry about that anymore. I would always buy the biggest can but before doing so, I would do the math as to which size would come out the cheapest. And considering that it's after office, I would buy lots of other snacks (even more if I haven't had dinner yet). And yes, my lola loved those Dole fruits either with gelatin or syrup in tiny little cups. Sometimes she would buy on her own and I would always tell her to stop buying because I wanted to be the one to buy it as it's a bit heavy (it comes in packs of fours).

And when I get home, my lola would always scold me that I bought too much of everything. I bought too much biscuits, too much chips, too much everything. The thing is, I usually buy a lot and then end up forgetting about those snacks so there's a lot of expired food items in the pantry after a couple of months. I know it's wasteful but I always have the intention of eating those snacks whenever I buy them. I just get too busy and tired with work that I usually forget to open the pantry doors to check out what's inside.

And speaking of going home tired after work, my lola always has something hot and delicious waiting for me after a long day. Even if I plan not to eat dinner anymore, just the smell of her cooking would make me bring out the plates and cutlery. And she always always tells me that I'm getting fat. And yet, when there's only a few bites of meat or whatever it is on the table, she insists that I finish it all so we don't have to store it in the ref anymore.

I miss my lola more than anything. I miss her cooking. I miss her sermons and reminders. I miss her OC-ness when it comes to cleanliness. I even miss our arguments. I miss everything about her.

And I hope that by writing about her, I will be healed. And I want to forever remember her and to be able to tell stories about her to my future kids and grandkids.

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Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
~From the television show The Wonder Years

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” 

~ Lois Lowry, The Giver

Bye 2013, Hello 2014!

Whew! 2013 has been a year full of surprises.

For the past year, I was faced with so many challenges, I received tons of blessings and a huge wrecking ball most commonly known as heartache broke me down into tiny little pieces. (Hold that thought. This is the last day of the year and I just want to exhaust all negative vibes so my new year will be filled with only positive ones so let me be.)

Let's start with my lighter sentiments, the things I am most thankful for. First off, I want to thank You (my God, my universe) for being there for me whenever I needed you. At times when I felt that I was abandoned, You  were there and You saved me. 

I am also very grateful for the family I have. I know the road to where we are today was very rough but they did not hesitate to take me in when my world fell apart. My mom and dad would just listen to me and hold me as I cried buckets. They also did their best to take my mind off my sadness. My brothers who were usually a pain in the ass always drives for me whenever I ask them to come and get me for a rescue mission. 

I wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't for my beauty queen bestfriend. Bes, thank you so much for being there for me constantly. Who would have known that we would grow closer even if we are hundreds of miles away from each other?

And to my other best friends with super hearts, thank you. I know you rarely see me broken and a mess, but thank you for still sticking with me when the times got rough.

The people at work are also something I am thankful for. The comradeship we have is something I will never forget. Even if there are some office problems, I think everything can be solved with an open mind and open hearts. I thank you all for believing in me and trusting me.

And there are also other people who made an impact in my life. A family that I will always think of as good, generous and loving. They know who they are. I will not be here standing as me if it weren't for their help and love.

And lastly, I am still thankful that I met the person who broke my heart. Except for the breaking my heart part, you should know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so sorry for all the shortcomings and mistakes I made. I will forever treasure the friendship and love we had. Those years we had were a huge chunk of my life. I laughed, I cried, I learned, I grew up, I loved, I got hurt, I became stronger, wiser. I will never wish to the universe to erase that part of my life. And as the new year unfolds, I wish I can finally be able to forgive you. And I truly wish from the deep of my heart that you find happiness.

(Ok, so that drained me a little bit. I guess this is it.)

So cheers to another new year and let's all start 2014 with smiles in our hearts and love for the people around us. Leave all the trash and baggage to yesterday and make every day the best day you could ever have.

Happy new year and may you be showered with love and blessings all year round!

Merry Christmas! ~~my holiday ramblings

Merry Christmas everyone!

It's my first time to spend Christmas eve with my family after so many years. I usually spend it quietly with my grandparents for the past couple of years. The ironic thing is, I was asleep as 12 midnight came. I must be really tired from our trip down south. Now, I'm waiting for my brothers and sister to wake up so I can give them my gifts. Wake up sleepy heads!

For the meantime, I'm gonna rave about one of the coolest Christmas gifts I got. I got published online in Thought Catalog. Yey! (Read my post here) And yes, I was so damn good in making that list but I had difficulty in remembering all those things that I wrote. (Oh please, just let me write this last whatever post, I promise I'll turn over a new leaf by new year). Boy oh boy, I'm so not good in dealing with losses. Well, it was not nothing, at least not to me. Oh, I can't bear thinking of how I spent the past 5 new year's eves!!!

On the brighter side of the planet, the annual family reunion will be skipped this year (or is it now every year?) and the Phil-am folks will be spending Christmas dinner at home. It's gonna be a small intimate gathering compared to the huge one we usually have.

And oh, I am so thankful that I have my family and best friends. I am blessed that I have you even in my darkest hours and you did not desert me. My gratitude is beyond words. 

And of course, Jesus (universe or whatever), I know that You are always there. You have been my light and my strength. Funny, I never thought that I would one day seek You out. Even when I stopped believing, You were there when I needed You. Happy Birthday Jesus! 

Once again, Merry Christmas and let's all be merry!

Freedom

I have always been worried when we would bump into each other. I'm not sure how I will act. Will I play it cool? Will I be a snob? I don't want you or other people to think that I am still affected with the series of events that happened several years ago. The thing is I always reprimand myself for being young and stupid back then.

Indeed, seeing you again has been a little bit weird. But surprisingly, I no longer harbor ill feelings. I just realized that what's done is done. There is nothing else I can do about it. What I can control now are the things that I will do now and in the future. Being mad and hurt will no longer change what happened.

I wish I could have seen you earlier. But then again, I guess things happen for a reason. I'm just glad that I was finally able to set myself free from the regret that was eating me.

Workaholism

I never really classified myself as a workaholic. But I realized that I am. Even when I was working as an event planner, I used to dream about table cloths and table settings. And now as a marketer, my mind is forever churning out ideas. I still dream about work (this time about merchandise and collaborations and creatives and a whole lot of other stuff) and even on vacation, I can't help but check out some work stuff. And boy oh boy, troubleshooting on weekends is neck-breaking but a girl's gotta do what she has gotta do.

It's not that I'm complaining that I got loads to do, I was just a bit shocked that work indeed has become ingrained in me so much that I get antsy when I just relax and do nothing (even on weekends). But come to think of it, because of this affliction, I was able to rise up the ranks in less than three short years. I'm no hot shot in the corporate world and hey, I started as a rank and file employee but I'm pretty proud of my accomplishments. I may have skipped a couple of night outs and I can no longer drink til I drop but I'm still generally happy with where I am right now. Even though I did not start as a management trainee, I wouldn't be where I am right now if I did not make the decisions I had then.

Money. I admit it. I was a bit perplexed before since I felt like I was doing a great job and I was not well-compensated. All the other people around me were making double or thrice than I did and I felt like a failure. But let me tell you this, a person's salary is not the only measure of a person's success. I've been hearing that it's natural that you start with a small salary and eventually, after some years, it will get bigger, blah blah blah. And I was like "What?! Why not start now?". But believe me, it is indeed true. Yes, some people land great jobs right after college but most people, as the bell curve shows, will get an average job and their worth will get bigger if they perform at their best over time. Now with three years of experience under my belt and three promotions, it's kind of nice to know that my hard work has paid off. And oh, I'm not yet done with the hard work, it's something that will be forever with me I guess. Other opportunities have sprouted along my path and I can't wait what the future holds.

So I guess it's not that bad to be a workaholic. I'm happy with my career, I still see my friends from time to time and I still get to spend time with my family and be a wonderful "mommy" to my spoiled little Shakti.

Now, back to work. :)

Happy New Year!

First post for 2013! Hello year of the water snake!

So I just posted my New Year's Resolutions a couple of days ago and boy oh boy, I will do my best to do everything on my list. After all, those are pretty easy and are good for me. I just need constant presence of mind! One of my resolutions was to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Pretty easy right? But I only realized by 7pm that I only drank 1 glass for the whole day! I have to drink up! And after 4 glasses of water, I think I'm gonna burst! Drat. I guess it would be best to drink a glass per hour.

Another resolution is to go for a jog twice a week. I was still feeling a bit lazy to tie my laces even though I was already wearing my cute pink running shorts so I just spent my time on the stationary bike. Woohoo! Biking may sound easy but it's not! My legs feel like steel and I had buckets of sweat!

Alright, alright, enough with my resolutions. My first day of 2013 may have a little bit of a setback but I won't let it affect me in a negative way. I am still determined to make 2013 my best year so far!

And boredom caught up with me today so here are some things I did today:

• relived my tetris battle
• cleaned my makeup brushes
• read trashy novels (hahaha)
• mastered tower madness
• spent time with my Shakti baby

Anyway, I'm just glad that tomorrow is still a non-working day! I have time to do more important stuff. Haha.

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Quotes from New Year's Eve movie

It only happens once a year: New Year's Eve. It's a time when hopeless can be romantic, and a resolution can become a revelation. And when one night can change everything.

Claire Morgan: "It's suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the New Year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps - our promises made, and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures - or closed ourselves down, for fear of getting hurt. Because that's what New Year's is all about: getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about 'what if' and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight - and it will drop - let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long."

My 2013 New Year's Resolution

So another year has passed. Who would have thought that 2012 would pass by so quickly? I used to count the months by counting my paydays as I look forward to it every month. Next thing I know, it's already December.

Here are some of the things I want to do or my resolutions for the coming year:

• Be thrifty and save X amount every month. This would be a challenge since I now have investments + installments to think of.

• Go somewhere I've never been to before. I already have planned trips to Davao and Singapore this 2013 but I want to breathe new air and see new sights. I wonder where it will be.

source: questgarden.com

• Kick-start the mini-venture with my highschool friends.

• Go out for a jog at least twice a week (if that's not possible, I have to burn calories with the stationary bike)

• Have more time in the kitchen to bake. At least one new creation per month.

• Spend my 25th birthday doing something worthwhile.

source: miriadna.com

• REALLY learn how to drive (in a public road with lots of cars)

source: dreamstime.com

• Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day

source: http://paintevil.deviantart.com

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Holiday Ramblings

So this holiday season got me realizing a few things. But what caught my attention was that I've been worrying and panicking so much that finding myself not being able to breathe is a load of crap. And it's all about nonsense things. Well, maybe not all-nonsense but I shouldn't worry about those stuff so I won't be that uptight, too serious girl anymore.

For one, I've been worried about my company not recognizing my efforts, I've been suffocated by my salary not being enough, I've been eaten by the green-eyed monster when I see my younger siblings' accomplishments, and their friends as well. I look at my friends with their babies and how their life looks so complete. But you know what? Nothing is perfect. I've been driving myself insane for what? I want to snag that perfect job with the ginormous salary and have a perfect loving partner. But really, for what? So I can relax after doing all those things (my so-called goals) and enjoy life. But who says I can't do that now? I don't need to be on top of the world to enjoy what I have now.

Another thing was I got to stop comparing! Sometimes, it's difficult to do it but not everyone is in the same situation, same circumstances, etc. I was actually surprised when my friends pointed out that I already did so much. It made me feel like a pig to be complaining about feeling stuck when my friends' concerns were about finding a job and other more serious stuff. 

The bottom line is to be thankful for everything I have. Yes, I know I am grateful to You for all my blessings but I got to let go and stop noticing other stuff that will meddle with my thoughts and make me feel like I'm not doing enough. I mean, how many more overtime hours do I want and how many more times do I want to feel overfatigue before I cut myself some slack? So from now on, I will be that merry little girl who will embrace life and be more mature, considering I'm turning a quarter of a century next year (sounds old, huh?). No need to be antsy about turning 25 since there is no need to hurry, no need to feel pressured and the "finish line" is still far ahead and there is so much time to accomplish the things I have in mind.

Bye all BVs and welcome all GVs! Thank You for 2012 and bring it on 2013.