Friday, April 20, 2012

Honey, I shrunk the kids

We're on our way now to Bataan. I'm with my family and we're going to spend the weekend with my dad's friends and their families.

This is going to be one looong drive. We're still in Manila and I already feel depressed. We are talking about education, jobs and stuff and I feel like crying.

I just found out that my YOUNGER brother received a job offer TWICE my starting salary. It's his first job. I feel so small. For my family, the offer is typical. So, my salary is just like loose change, extra. No wonder I don't have money even if I don't contribute to household expenses. It just struck me that my salary is such a pittance. Damn. Good for him, not good for me.

I suddenly regret several things, if not a hundred. I regret that I was such a rebellious and stubborn child. If I followed what my dad told me what course and what school I should take, I probably would be somewhere greater. But no, I just had to defy him.

I regret skipping classes in favor of spontaneous out-of-town trips and drinking sprees. If I had focused on my studies, I know I could graduate cum laude, or even magna cum laude (it won't hurt to dream. Haha.) But no, I just had to lose sight on my goals.

I just feel like shutting down. I am such a disappointment. I no longer know what to do to make them proud.

I hate hate this feeling - the one where your chest feels so heavy and you have trouble breathing. :(

And by the way, as the eldest, I'm the one shrinking. My siblings are so big (and richer) compared to me right now.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Thoughts for the week

Holy week is almost over. Tomorrow, we would be celebrating Easter.

Looking back, holy week has been sacred for me and my family. We really did skip the meat. But I wonder if eating delectable seafood such as shrimps and crabs can be considered as a sacrifice. Sometimes, we would do visita iglesia or at times, we would be spending the free days in vacation. We never did the cenaculo and other stuff but we watched plays about the life of Christ.

As I grew older, I started becoming skeptic. Not about having a higher being but about the Catholic church's rules and everything. And to add that my parents required us to observe religious practices such as going to mass every Sunday, etc. meant I would hate doing it everytime. You see, I somehow developed a rebellious streak when I was growing up. If my parents say do this, do that, I would totally do the opposite. Over time, I began to see reason and think that my parents may be right but I still hate it if I feel that someone is dictating my life. For goodness sake, I'm now 24. A helpful advice would be appreciated but an order on how to live my life.. well, I might take it negatively.

Anyway, back to my holy week "reflections". I don't understand why people need to have a holy week just to reflect about life, to do good to other people and to go to church. For all I care, they can do it 365 days a year. People can be such hypocrites at times. Pretending to be all religious and nice for a week and then go back to their drinking, womanizing and whatever "bad" things they do when regular life resumes.

I feel like my holy week was not spent to find my deeper connection with my creator. Because I was too exhausted and stressed with work, I spent the past three days getting up at noon. I would then spend the rest of the afternoon at the shop, or bond with Shakti, or go gaga over draw something, and bake like crazy after dinner. The only thing I'm proud of are my creations: blue velvet cupcakes (I just changed the food coloring) and carrot cupcakes. Both are such a hit that I had to bake again tonight.

Without the icing.

I'm just glad that Monday is also a holiday. I would have more time to do my reflections after all the resting that I did. At least now, my mind is cleared and I would be able to meditate peacefully. There are so many things that I have taken for granted. Thank You for everything.

I have nothing against religion. But I sometimes need something else, or a push to make me believe. I believe that we have a kind, loving and forgiving creator. That's it. I don't think I believe that our god is a punishing one. I don't believe that we need to suffer in order to feel complete, gain entrance in heaven, etc. The list can go on.

No matter what our beliefs are, no matter how we chose to spend our holy week, let us not forget to thank our creator for all our blessings. Every day.

Normally, I would be complaining about work. How meager my salary is, how I have to compute the daily sales of my division every night (which I will do after posting this blog), etc. But really, thank You because I have a job with very nice people. I may have an eetsie bitsy salary but I'm learning a lot. So instead of negativity, I will shift on the positive side. I hope you also do too.

Now, I gotta wrap this up, finish the sales, and have a long conversation with my creator.

Good night! And happy easter!