Honey, I shrunk the kids

We're on our way now to Bataan. I'm with my family and we're going to spend the weekend with my dad's friends and their families.

This is going to be one looong drive. We're still in Manila and I already feel depressed. We are talking about education, jobs and stuff and I feel like crying.

I just found out that my YOUNGER brother received a job offer TWICE my starting salary. It's his first job. I feel so small. For my family, the offer is typical. So, my salary is just like loose change, extra. No wonder I don't have money even if I don't contribute to household expenses. It just struck me that my salary is such a pittance. Damn. Good for him, not good for me.

I suddenly regret several things, if not a hundred. I regret that I was such a rebellious and stubborn child. If I followed what my dad told me what course and what school I should take, I probably would be somewhere greater. But no, I just had to defy him.

I regret skipping classes in favor of spontaneous out-of-town trips and drinking sprees. If I had focused on my studies, I know I could graduate cum laude, or even magna cum laude (it won't hurt to dream. Haha.) But no, I just had to lose sight on my goals.

I just feel like shutting down. I am such a disappointment. I no longer know what to do to make them proud.

I hate hate this feeling - the one where your chest feels so heavy and you have trouble breathing. :(

And by the way, as the eldest, I'm the one shrinking. My siblings are so big (and richer) compared to me right now.