Monday, January 26, 2015

Drama Revisited: I Need To Forget You Now So I Can Remember You With Love

I wrote this (the article below) exactly a year ago and I was actually surprised when I saw this in my old flash drive a few weeks ago. The girl who wrote the piece below is already gone. And the funny thing is, so many people are asking me now how to move on, what should they do and so on. Hey, just because I had my heart broken doesn't mean I'm an expert. I guess my takeaway from people asking me such questions is that I look great now - as if I never carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.

And the only thing I tell people who wants answers is that, as cliche as it may sound, time indeed heals all wounds. And guess what the next question is. How long would it take them to move on? There's no definite time or a standard as to how long a person gets over someone. It may be a week for someone, a year for another one, or a decade for some (Jusme, thank you it didn't take me a decade!).

And my afterthought (a year later) from this article is no, you don't remember that person with any kind of love at all. Yes, you may remember all the happy times together but there wouldn't be any trace of love anymore. No friendly kind of love and definitely no romantic love. And since the love is already gone, there's also no more pain. It's like you're finally free. That's when you know you have already moved on.

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January 26, 2014

I thought the crying fest was already over. How wrong was I. I was only given a reprieve from all those sleepless nights and endless sobbing. The universe probably thought I needed a break. I actually felt strong and I was relieved that I am finally moving on. Turns out it was just a momentary lapse. I was pitched right into the gates of hell once again. The pain is unbearable. I’m wishing it to stop. I want it to stop. But it doesn’t.

Seeing you again and hoping that we could be friends was the end of me. I thought I was strong enough that I could handle you. I thought I could control my emotions around you. Still, after so many months, I still love you with every fiber of my being. I love you and I’m willing to forgive you for all the hurt you have caused me. But the thing is, even if I love you with all of me, I no longer have you. You’re far gone already and there’s nothing I can do to make you come back to me.

All the months that I worked hard to fix myself went out the window. Just an hour with you could do that to me. I feel like my heart could explode with my love for you. And when it explodes, all the fragments will be scattered on the floor, unwanted. And there’s just this hollow ache in my chest.

It feels like the love and the happy memories we had just ended yesterday. The pain is as fresh as the first day I found out you no longer love me. And yet, it’s been months already. People no longer understand why I still feel this way. I myself no longer understand why I’m still like this. And I’m starting to get worried. I don’t want the years to pass by with me still loving you and you not loving me back. Sometimes, I just want to forget. I need to forget.

And in order to forget I must pick up the bricks one by one and lay it one on top of other, side by side, until I can no longer see our history. I cannot see you or anything that reminds me of you. I need to build this wall to protect my present from my past. In order to move forward, I need to set my sights on the horizon, with what is yet to come. 

I just hope that one day, I will be ready to look beyond the wall and remember. To be able to remember with love (no longer the romantic love), without that lancing pain and without breaking down will be the greatest gift of the universe.

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